....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
