a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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