there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
