my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
