Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
