Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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