in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
