My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
