No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
