DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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