I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
