What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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