After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
