the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
