i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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