I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
