So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Tell her she can't have a vagina
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
