I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
