He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
