Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
