The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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