New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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