He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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