You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
