i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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