Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
