Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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