it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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