I cannot find my penis.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
