I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
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Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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