I am spending my child support on dildos
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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