the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
What did we do last night that was yellow?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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