I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize