I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
