oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
