I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
