I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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