god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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