god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
