If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
