i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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