You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
