Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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