Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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