how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
