I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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