If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
