i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
