I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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