Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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