I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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