the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
