Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
