Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
