So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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