Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
