who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
