I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
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I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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